young young.

I'm so tired of caring for patients who are my age!!

I struggle caring for this age group the most because A) my heart breaks/I want to cry - they should be out in the world, enjoying life and B) see the previous point.

Good grief. The nature of our unit does admit a lot of young individuals with cystic fibrosis (short life expectancy) and interstitial or unexplainable lung diseases/cancers (ie: construction workers - young men).

I'm tired of it because it hurts my heart to see them there. No young man should sit in a hospital room all summer, unable to enjoy the sunshine, because his chest tubes are attached to wall suction. No mother should have to change the code status of her 19 year old to palliative because his second set of donor-lungs are failing. No young wife should die while waiting for a set of lungs, for the second time, after beating cancer as a teenager.

I do not resent caring for them at all, not for second. But it is challenging because it boldly reminds me of this emotional heart I have, which I often like to keep hidden and neatly tucked away.

D.

old, but still young.

But even if I am old enough to think about graduate school... I'm still too young to deal with the fact that my best friend's mum just got diagnosed with breast cancer. 

longest post EVER.

There is nothing more inspiring and joyous than the beauty of fall. It is literally my favorite time of year. I find myself jumping from one fall-themed activity to the next: overdosing on pumpkin spice lattes, lotions and candles, decorating my cottage, and wearing boots every single day. It is just glorious. And it has also marked the beginning of a school year for the last 16 years of my life (woah!).

Lately I’ve been giving a lot of thought to life. About what makes me happy, how I should fill my time, where I should steer my career, and whatnot. About how I should let what truly makes me joyous and what I am passionate about guide my next steps. I am in the happiest point of my life right now, and in 100% agreement that it gets better after high school.

During the past couple months my attitude towards nursing has had a complete turnaround. Literally, a 180. I don’t think it could’ve been more different. I was LOATHING every moment during my labor and delivery rotation, counting down the minutes to the weekend, barely able to fake my enthusiasm with every baby bath. I was preoccupied with a new beau, and getting adjusted to the uber-social RA role I had recently taken on in residence. One year later, and I’m here. Truer to myself that I’ve ever been, independent and beginning to see my own inner beauty. I’ve settled into a lovely little cottage I am so thrilled to call home, and feeling proud about choosing nursing as a career.  

A combination of events have led me to realize that staying in the education-realm is where I should be. I am currently in the tail end of my leadership rotation, and my eyes have really been opened to the roles and responsibilities of RN’s beyond bedside nursing. Both my coach and instructor have been great influences on possible career options. I’ve always admired the work of professors and instructors, and I find teaching to be an admirable profession.

I’ve reflected a lot over my childhood dream of being a doctor. In reality, it’s a lot different from theory. A lot. Medicine has turned out to be a lot different than what I had thought it was (or perhaps I was the one who changed... )

I’m also realizing that nursing can be a badass profession. Badass as in, essential. Critical. Requiring guts, a brain, a heart. Not for the weak (ahem - see previous post!). All through school I’ve had this image in my mind that nursing was fluffy and touchy-feely. And for the most part, it is. But I wish I had a role model through my undergrad that could’ve represented the other side of it – perhaps I wouldn’t have resented it so much. But I’ve learned for myself this other side of it, and I’m realizing it’s not so bad after all. I’ve learned to be proud in calling myself a nurse. 

All this being said, my favorite place is to be in school. I love the environment, the lifestyle, and the way of life. I haven't thrown away pursuing a career in bedside nursing - I just know that sooner or later, I'll end up back in class :) So with the end of this degree looming closely, I’m looking ahead! The possibility of being an instructor or professor sounds very appealing. And with imminent winter graduation comes the potential of beginning a graduate program in fall…. A MASTERS PROGRAM! My stars, I can’t believe that graduate school is a very real possibility for me. So more details on that to come :) 

Well - I suppose you could’ve just skipped the body of this very long post to this point right here: I am so happy with life and school. Life is good. And I’m definitely addicted to pumpkin spice lattes. 

D.

blue.

You know those moments where all of a sudden you find yourself in the middle of something, and you don't remember how you got there?

During my shift yesterday evening, the poop hit the fan when we had to call a code blue. Since I was nearest to the desk, I activated the code team and returned to the room to see how else I could help. Let me say this - code blue should also be known as code CHOAS because literally it becomes pandemonium. This was the very first code I witnessed and was a part of - so I was hanging close by the room to see what else I could go for. The patient was trached, so we had direct airway access, but he was a bigger built man so the nurse doing compressions was already working up a sweat. When he called out for another to take over, the next thing I know I am whipping on gloves (isolation room too, just to add to the pandemonium!), nudging him to the side, and givin' er like no tomorrow- which this gentleman may not have had, if we hadn't acted so quickly.

Suddenly, mid-compressions, I realize that I am doing freakin' CPR on a patient for the first time ever, whose life is literally slipping away before me. His eyes are open but unseeing, people are shouting and running, and I'm honestly praying that he better not die on me, not while I'm pumping away and feeling rib-bits floating around.

Finally, after what seems like ages, the code team arrives to take over the rodeo. And here's my favourite part - I'm pumping away, focused, but look up long enough to see the lead doc, whoever she was, enter the room and announce , "Ok people, I'm Dr. ---, and I'm running the code from here on. Let's get organized". This one physician takes control of it all and BOOM, I'm like - yes, this is what I could do! I love being bossy and in charge (HA!), and after just jumping in last night, instead of wondering if I have the guts for this stuff now I know that I do. Plus, I watched ER non-stop as child so I'm ready ;)

Thankfully this story had a good ending, cause he lived. The team took over from that point, and at the end of the day our patient was still with us. I work with such a fabulous team, so it certainly wouldn't have been possible without them. It was great to receive a pat on the back from the other nurses who commended my jumping in, and to hear the code team say that our CPR kept him alive.

After all this hubbub calmed down, we continued on our shift, until a bedbug was found in another room. But I suppose that's another post for another time!

Cheers,
D.

fall.

Tomorrow is the LAST "first-day of school" of my undergraduate degree. Where has the time gone?!

Back-to-school is one of my favourite times of year. I love the school routine, the fall season, cooling temperatures, Thanksgiving, pumpkin spice lattes... You get the picture. I'm a fanatic!

A lot has changed from this very moment, last year. And I am very blessed to say that it has changed me for the better. There have been some joyous, challenging, and heartbreaking moments along the way. Countless life lessons and experiences led to me to where I am now.

In 4 months I'll no longer be a "student", but a "professional" (I put those titles in quotations because heaven-help-us-all on the day I no longer am in school). I'll be expected to be a qualified Registered Nurse, employed permanently at a hospital, and paying union dues & taxes like a good little RN.

So I'm going to enjoy these remaining weeks of my BScN degree, and in my spare time - beginning scheming for university round II :)

Cheers!
D.