well there goes two weeks.

Two wednesdays ago, I made a choice to set some things straight. For myself.

I decided to work on how I see myself - seeing things with a positive/'let's improve!' light, rather than a negative/'you suck and always will' angle. I've struggled with that train of thought for a long time, whether it be in the back of my mind or in complete control of my day. It's not something many people know about, but this blog also isn't something many people know about either. :)

Many times before I've committed myself to change - to a health regime 'next Monday', or a eat-green-things-only sort of diet. And I've always always always blown it, and ended up running 100 steps back rather than a single step forward. It's been frustrating trying to figure out why I cannot overcome my own mind in attempt to change my appearance. Be 10 pounds thinner in two weeks. Fit 4 sizes smaller by Thanksgiving. Buy this shirt too small so I'll stop eating in the evening. Yadayadayada. The list goes on and on. It took me a long time to realize why this hadn't been working. My mind is honed to pick out every mistake I make, every flaw, and every time I mess up. That's the problem. I've been forcing myself to do things without the right perspective, which ends up creating a massive dead end. For example, if I were to decide to eat only two helpings of carbs in a day, (ie: cereal, pasta, etc) I would do just dandy, planing my day meal-by-meal, until dinner is suddenly spaghetti, not chicken breast as planned. That tiny glitch, right there, throws a GIANT wrench at my brain, derailing everything I've promised to do. 3 servings of carbs? BAH - I can't do it! Must eat a huge helping of dessert seeing how the day's already screwed... and then I'll skip the gym cause I feel so darn guilty... Silly things like inflexible goals and unrealistic expectations have only set myself up for an eventual 'failure', causing more harm than good.

So why don't start positive? What's wrong with the way I am now? Instead of thinking about the 5 pounds I'd like to loose, I've been focusing on things I enjoy/have enjoyed, but can improve on. For instance, I'm proud of the fact that I've run two 10k runs and a triathlon - now, I'm training for them again! And as for the stupid numerical and deadline-focused goals, I'm going to the gym when I want to, and eating what I fancy - but taking care to enjoy the things I really want, and finding the healthiest alternatives possible in the meanwhile. When my mindset is right, just living right falls into place. But working on my mind is the hardest part - and the most crucial. It seems like such a simple change in thinking, but for me, my confidence and appearance have always been at its mercy. It has taken me years to figure out that I am my own worst enemy. It has also been an experience sorting out how I function best.

I'd really like to get the point where I can lose 5 pounds for a special occasion, or eliminate x-food from my diet just to see what happens. I'd love to workout cause I honestly love to. I know that's a way off, but today I realized that I want to eat healthy cause I'm seeing the results already. Although that may be a 'duh' moment for some, that was a giant leap for me, making this 2-week mark in my journey a very memorable one.

Love, Dani.